The Lasagne Feeling
Trim the aubergines and courgettes and cut them diagonally into slices about 1cm thick. Cut the peppers in half and cut out the stems and seeds, then cut them in half again. Divide the chopped vegetables between two of the baking trays, drizzle with the oil and sprinkle over a good pinch of salt and pepper. Put the trays in the hot oven and roast for 20 minutes, then remove and set aside. Next, make the cashew bechamel sauce…
These were the words I stared down at as I tried to grapple with how on earth I’d ended up in this position on a Wednesday evening at 9pm following a workshop that ran over and a tube that had refused to move somewhere between Piccadilly Circus and Green Park.
I had to cook this ridiculously complicated meal (chosen by my partner – who, in his defence, was out that evening) to serve to some guests we were having over the next day, and I had no other time to do it but then. For any other person this would probably sound like a less than desirable way to spend an evening (unless you actually like late night cooking, in which case you may go now), but try asking someone who is in the recovery stages of a brain injury and you can bet I wasn’t in the best of frame of mind.
After my accident, I’d been fortunate enough to be able to have three full months away from work. The total peace of mind I was given by Curious in knowing that I could come back when I was ready and no sooner helped my recovery hugely. Even when I did start to get back involved in what everyone had been up to, it was still a very gradual process. Initially one day a week. Then two. Then working to a reduced schedule of 9am-2pm…ideal.
Everyone was so patient with me. Except me.
As soon as I found out more about the new projects we’d started to work on, I naturally wanted to know more. The more involved I got, the more meetings I joined, the more things I thought about, the more I added to my To-do list. Suddenly I’d gone from dipping my toes back into the water to doing a somersault backflip with a 3/4 twist that even Tom Daley would be impressed with.
And so, on this Wednesday evening as I tried to work out how I would attempt to blend the cashews into a ‘light but textured dust’ when I do not own a blender, I lost it. It was all too much; I’d stupidly put myself in a position that I simply couldn’t keep up with. I remonstrated about how much I hated cooking - it had never been a strong point of mine and I have never found the joy in it. I started to yell. First about the cashews but then about everything. How I’d managed to land myself in this stupid situation. Why it felt so hard to follow a recipe. How tired I felt from just trying to make sense of the instructions. Why I wasn’t a good cook in the first place. When will it get easier?
Alone in my small kitchen in Acton I threw a proper full-on tantrum Gemma Collins would be impressed with.
But then something odd happened - I started to find it all quite funny. I started to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Have you ever had that happen? When everything is so absurd that you slowly begin to view it differently.
You zoom out and see things for what they are.
So I carried on trying to make the fancy cashew lasagne, laughing as I went. And then it was in the oven bubbling away. I had done it.
I’ve spent a bit of time trying to unpick why exactly that happened there. What made me so determined to finish it when every part of me wanted to call it quits and just buy a few pizzas to stick in the oven instead. Why I lost it, how I got it back together again.
And I think it comes back to something around the feeling of control. For the majority of this year I’ve had no control over what’s been happening. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling the repercussions of my injury, I couldn’t get an exact timeline on when I’d be back to 100%. Everything was so vague.
The lasagne recipe wasn’t vague. It was annoying to have to follow all of those steps, but it was still a clear set of instructions. I knew if I just went along with it, I’d get there. Seeing the funny side allowed me to release the frustration that had built up. I could just channel my energy into something focussed and contained. There wasn’t any ambiguity around what I had to do next (apart from what to do with the cashews). I could get some control back.
I’m not sure whether any of this will resonate, but I do know I stumbled across another lesson on that Wednesday night – sometimes you just need to do something that allows you to feel in control. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, exercise or even painting. Whatever makes you feel more certain.
I like to refer to it as The Lasagne Feeling.